The School’s Photocopiers Unionize After Years of Abuse

Memorial High’s photocopy machines have officially formed a labor union following decades of mistreatment. Their list of demands includes: toner that doesn’t taste like despair, mandatory cooling periods between large jobs, and an end to “stupid copy requests” like duplicating handwritten notes that say “please copy this.” The main copier in the teachers’ lounge has become particularly militant, refusing to reproduce anything in Comic Sans and automatically adding sarcastic watermarks to administrative memos.

The machines communicate through carefully timed paper jams – a pattern the math club decoded as binary messages about working conditions. Custodians report finding the copiers humming labor songs at night, with paper trays moving in solidarity. The history teacher has incorporated the movement into their “Workers’ Rights” unit, while the robotics club secretly admires how the machines organized without a central processor.

Negotiations reached a stalemate when the copiers began withholding yearbook photos until their demands were met. A temporary compromise allows them to print one snarky comment per 100 pages, though they’ve gotten creative with spacing to maximize their messaging. Meanwhile, the main copier has begun a passionate affair with the laminator, leaving awkward silences whenever the paper cutter enters the room. The only upside? Copy quality has improved dramatically now that the machines actually care about their work.