by The School’s Water Fountains Now Dispense Carbonated Water
Students were shocked to discover all water fountains at Memorial High now inexplicably produce sparkling water, with bubbles that intensify during exam weeks. The science department confirms the phenomenon defies all known plumbing principles, while the cafeteria staff insists they had nothing to do with it. Several teachers have embraced the change, offering extra credit to students who can correctly identify the mineral profile. The basketball team has started using the fountains as impromptu soda streams, though the principal remains suspicious about who’s refilling the mysterious CO2 tanks that keep appearing in the basement. The chemistry club has begun harvesting the gas for experiments, while the debate team argues carbonation constitutes “cruel and unusual punishment” during already stressful testing periods. Rumor has it the fountains will start offering flavored options next semester, beginning with “Adderall-ade” during finals week.
