Memorial High School’s Detention Goats Now Offering Therapy Sessions

What began as an unconventional discipline measure has evolved into Memorial High’s most effective counseling program, with therapy goats now available for both troubled students and stressed faculty. The goats – all named after philosophers – specialize in different interventions: Nietzsche delivers tough-love headbutts, Plato stares down poor excuses, and Socrates asks probing questions until students admit their mistakes. “Nothing inspires self-reflection like a 90-pound goat judging your life choices,” noted Principal Hendricks during his weekly session with goat therapist Buttercup.

The program’s success has been remarkable, with recidivism rates dropping 87% since implementation. Students report the goats have an uncanny ability to sense guilt, with particularly stubborn cases receiving the “full Aristotle” (simultaneous headbutting from two goats while a third eats their homework). The psychology department is studying the phenomenon, though their research keeps getting derailed when the goats eat their notebooks.

Controversy erupted when several goats were caught accepting granola bar bribes to go easy on popular students. The program has since implemented strict ethics guidelines and random snack checks. Meanwhile, the drama club is preparing a production of “12 Angry Goats,” and the yearbook staff is fighting over who gets to photograph “Goat Court” sessions. As finals approach, the goats are preparing for their busiest season – the annual “Senioritis Purge” where they must convince dozens of checked-out students that graduation still requires passing grades.