by Computer Lab Now Charges Emotional Support Fees for Broken Printers
Facing a record number of paper jams and tear-soaked toner cartridges, Memorial High’s tech department has instituted an “Emotional Support Fee” of $1.50 for every printer repair request. The fee is intended to cover not just mechanical fixes but also the counseling required to address printer-induced trauma.
“Students get visibly shaken when the green light blinks three times,” said IT coordinator Mr. Chavez, who now doubles as a “Junior Tech Therapist.” “It’s not just about fixing hardware. It’s about mending shattered trust between human and machine.” Each time a printer spits out half-blank sheets, students complete a brief intake form detailing their emotional state and submit payment at the front desk–cash, Venmo, or frustrated sighs accepted.
The initiative began after a year-long pilot where 200 printer repairs coincided with spikes in anxious tweets featuring the hashtag #PaperJamPanic. District data showed that 73% of students reporting anxiety cited printer failures as a trigger. In response, the lab installed a “Feelings Kiosk,” where students can select from pre-written prompts like “Rate your scanner safety” and “Describe your toner tears.”
For students who can’t pay the $1.50, the lab offers “Therapeutic IT Assistance” in exchange for writing a five-sentence apology to the printer, reading aloud from the service manual, or performing two minutes of polite keyboard tapping. A viral TikTok challenge has emerged: “JamOutForCalm,” in which students intentionally clear a paper jam to relax in slow motion.
Teachers have mixed feelings. One English teacher commented, “My students now show up with Kleenex boxes and calming playlists instead of essays.” The journalism class ran an exposé titled “The Fee Behind the Feelings,” calling the policy “profiteering off frustration.” The student council demanded a fee waiver, threatening a sit-in by the copy machines.
Principal Harris defended the fee at the last PTA meeting: “We want students to learn resilience, and part of that is acknowledging your feelings when technology fails you.” He added that proceeds will fund a “Printer Peace Program,” which includes weekly meditation circles around the 3-D printer and essential-oil diffusers by the fax machine.
As of press time, the lab has collected $812.50 in emotional support fees and repaired 425 printers–some more emotionally stable than others. The final note on the payment receipts reads: “Thank you for letting us care about your copier.”
