by Cafeteria Staff Unionize, Demand Hazard Pay For Serving Mystery Meatloaf
Memorial High’s lunch ladies have officially unionized after what one worker described as “a close encounter of the fourth culinary kind” involving the Tuesday mystery meatloaf and a suspicious smell that caused a sophomore to quote Edgar Allan Poe for five straight minutes.
“We’ve served a lot of things,” said head server Gloria J., “but that meatloaf blinked. And then sighed. I’m not getting paid enough for sentient entrees.” The new union, calling itself the Food Workers Against Questionable Textures (FWAQT), is demanding hazard pay, access to emotional support potholders, and a mandatory pause before serving anything “jiggly but firm.”
The movement gained traction when three cafeteria staff members claimed the gravy moved “against gravity” and formed the shape of a frowning face. Students initially thought it was part of Spirit Week. One brave freshman tried a bite and now only speaks in iambic pentameter.
Principal Harris met with union reps but had to cut the meeting short after his meatloaf sample began humming a Gregorian chant. The district has issued a temporary ban on all loaf-shaped items while they “test the meat for metaphysical anomalies.”
In the meantime, the cafeteria has replaced the meatloaf with safe alternatives like grilled cheese, fruit cups, and ambiguous pasta. FWAQT says they’ll return to normal service once “the food stops gazing back.”
