PTA Launches Fundraiser Selling Emotional Support Pies

by Annabelle BransfordNovember 23, 2024

PTA Launches Fundraiser Selling Emotional Support Pies

The Memorial High PTA has outdone itself with this year’s fall fundraiser: Emotional Support Pies. “We realized kids don’t need just tutoring–they need tart-based validation,” said PTA treasurer Monica Feeney, slicing into a pecan labeled “You Tried Your Best, Sweetie.”

Flavors include “You’re Enough Apple,” “Don’t Text Him Back Blueberry,” and the wildly popular “Thera-Peach,” which comes with a handwritten note from someone’s great aunt. Over 300 pies sold out within two hours, prompting a waiting list and a black-market lemon meringue scene behind the gym.

Proceeds will go toward upgrading the counselor’s office with plush chairs and emotional lighting. Students are already calling it “the piebrary of emotional literacy.”

Annabelle Bransford

Hi, I’m Annabelle Bransford, Memorial High School’s unofficial satirist-in-residence and proud founder of The Daily Detention—a publication so edgy it’s been banned twice and resurrected three times, like a sassy phoenix with a flair for detention slips. I write satire because someone has to hold the line between cafeteria chaos and gym class tyranny. Whether I’m exposing the secret emotional feud between our Algebra teacher and Euclid, or investigating why the pep rally feels like an ancient ritual sacrifice, I try to speak truth to hallway power. Sure, I’ve been called “disruptive,” but mostly by people who wear lanyards unironically. My work has been read by at least two janitors, my entire AP English class, and one substitute teacher who thought it was a cry for help. I consider that range. When I’m not sharpening my wit, I’m dodging group projects, winning banned book club trivia, or mentoring the school's AI Isn’t Funny Club (membership: just me and 17 bots I’ve emotionally manipulated). I’m also a National Merit Semi-Finalist, certified eye-roller at Student Government meetings, and the only girl in school who’s been accused of “weaponizing irony.” My goals? Keep writing, keep laughing, and one day publish a satirical exposé called Yearbook Superlatives and Other Lies. If you want something sugarcoated, try the bake sale. If you want the truth with a punchline, I’m your girl. I've landed a sweet job at Bohiney Magazine, so don't bother me. EMAIL: annabelle@bohiney.com

View all posts by Annabelle Bransford →