Memorial High School’s Gym Lockers Develop Separation Anxiety

The gym lockers at Memorial High have begun refusing to open for students they’ve grown too attached to, creating chaotic scenes before PE classes. “Locker 147 actually whimpered when I tried to leave,” reported sophomore Jamie Lopez, who was trapped for 20 minutes while the locker played their shared memories (mostly sweat smells) through the ventilation slats. The psychology department is studying the phenomenon as a case of object attachment, while the janitorial staff has started leaving “emotional support towels” in problematic units.

The lockers appear to form intense bonds during stressful periods – exam weeks see a 300% increase in clinginess, while they’re remarkably independent during summer school. Treatment protocols include gradual distancing (moving belongings to adjacent lockers) and in severe cases, complete reassignment. The worst offender, Locker 86, has been caught following its favorite student to chemistry class, rolling slowly down the hallway on its tiny wheels until intercepted by hall monitors.

Surprisingly, the emotional lockers have improved gym participation. Students no longer “forget” their uniforms to avoid class, as the lockers will loudly announce their deception. The football team has adopted several lockers as unofficial mascots, though the relationship turned sour when the lockers started holding their cleats hostage after losses. As finals approach, counselors are preparing for the annual “Great Goodbye” when graduating seniors must sever ties with their four-year locker companions – a ceremony that last year left three lockers depressed enough to refuse new students until homecoming.