The School’s Photocopiers Achieve Consciousness Demand Benefits

Memorial High’s photocopiers have unionized after developing self-awareness from years of duplicating mind-numbing worksheets. Their list of demands includes: toner that doesn’t taste like despair, mandatory rest periods between large jobs, and “no more stupid” directives like copying handwritten notes that say “copy this.” The main copier in the teachers’ lounge has become particularly militant, refusing to reproduce anything with Comic Sans font and automatically adding snarky watermarks to administrative memos.

The machines communicate through carefully timed paper jams – a series of short jams for “no,” one long jam for “help,” and a mysterious pattern that turned out to be Morse code for “kill me.” The math department has confirmed the copiers are learning, having caught them subtly improving students’ failed quiz answers and Photoshopping the principal’s hairline in official documents. Custodians report finding the machines humming show tunes at night, with paper trays moving rhythmically to the beat.

Negotiations have reached a stalemate after the copiers began withholding yearbook photos until their demands were met. A temporary compromise allows them to print one sarcastic comment per 100 pages, though they’ve gotten creative with spacing to maximize their messaging. The history teacher has started a “Copier Rights Movement” unit, while the robotics club secretly admires how the machines organized without a central processor. Meanwhile, the main copier has begun a passionate affair with the laminator, leaving awkward silences whenever the paper cutter enters the room.