by Memorial High School’s Cafeteria Introduces “Mystery Meat Roulette”
The lunch program has launched an exciting new game where students can save $1 per meal by agreeing not to ask what animal their protein once was. “It’s like Russian roulette but with more digestive consequences,” explained lunch lady Doris while serving something that may have been chicken or possibly a very ambitious fungus. The game includes a bingo card with squares like “tastes like regret” and “might be the missing biology lab frog.”
The science department has embraced the program, using the meats for their “Forensic Food Identification” unit. Recent discoveries include a slab that fluoresced under black lights and a patty that passed three separate lab tests as “technically edible.” The most popular offering – “Protein Surprise” – changes daily based on whatever the kitchen staff finds in the walk-in’s shadowy corners. Students report the meats have distinct personalities too; Tuesday’s offering reportedly whispered math formulas when chewed slowly.
Controversy erupted when the football team started a “Mystery Meat Fantasy League” with point values for most creative identifications. The principal has threatened to cancel the program unless participation drops below 90%, while the school nurse quietly stocks extra antacids. Meanwhile, the home ec class has started a side hustle selling “Was This Fido?” test kits, and the yearbook staff is preparing a “Best of Mystery Meat” commemorative spread.
