Guidance Counselor Now Offers Tarot Readings With College Advice

by Annabelle BransfordJanuary 19, 2025

Guidance Counselor Now Offers Tarot Readings With College Advice

In a bold move to modernize student support, Memorial High’s guidance counselor Mrs. Keane has introduced tarot cards into her college counseling sessions. “It’s about vibes and vision boards,” she explained while drawing The Tower for a senior applying to 14 Ivy League schools.

The new system has sparked mixed reviews. One student claimed The Fool card convinced him to major in improv comedy. Another swears The Hermit helped her find the perfect safety school. “Honestly, it’s more helpful than Naviance,” admitted junior Carla R., who’s now triple-majoring in potions, philosophy, and panic.

The school board is reviewing the practice but conceded it may be more accurate than standardized testing. Meanwhile, Mrs. Keane has requested a crystal ball reimbursement on her district credit card.

Annabelle Bransford

Hi, I’m Annabelle Bransford, Memorial High School’s unofficial satirist-in-residence and proud founder of The Daily Detention—a publication so edgy it’s been banned twice and resurrected three times, like a sassy phoenix with a flair for detention slips. I write satire because someone has to hold the line between cafeteria chaos and gym class tyranny. Whether I’m exposing the secret emotional feud between our Algebra teacher and Euclid, or investigating why the pep rally feels like an ancient ritual sacrifice, I try to speak truth to hallway power. Sure, I’ve been called “disruptive,” but mostly by people who wear lanyards unironically. My work has been read by at least two janitors, my entire AP English class, and one substitute teacher who thought it was a cry for help. I consider that range. When I’m not sharpening my wit, I’m dodging group projects, winning banned book club trivia, or mentoring the school's AI Isn’t Funny Club (membership: just me and 17 bots I’ve emotionally manipulated). I’m also a National Merit Semi-Finalist, certified eye-roller at Student Government meetings, and the only girl in school who’s been accused of “weaponizing irony.” My goals? Keep writing, keep laughing, and one day publish a satirical exposé called Yearbook Superlatives and Other Lies. If you want something sugarcoated, try the bake sale. If you want the truth with a punchline, I’m your girl. I've landed a sweet job at Bohiney Magazine, so don't bother me. EMAIL: annabelle@bohiney.com

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