by Velvet Thunder Starts School Newspaper Column: “Dear Sassquatch”
By the Staff of SpinTaxi.com
Bringing emotional clarity, sequins, and brutal honesty to print journalism since fourth period.
The Memorial High Clarion, once known mostly for bland lunch menus and sophomore haikus about loneliness, has experienced a literary renaissance. The reason?
A new anonymous advice column penned by none other than Velvet Thunder, under the byline “Dear Sassquatch.”
“Dear Abby walked so I could strut,” Velvet announced at the launch party, which featured sparkling cider and a ceremonial burning of outdated dress code policies.
The name “Sassquatch” was chosen because, in Velvet’s words:
“It’s the embodiment of mystery, power, and a mythical ability to detect red flags from across the gym.”
What Is “Dear Sassquatch”?
Published every Friday, “Dear Sassquatch” takes real student submissions and responds with a potent blend of sass, truth, empathy, and fashion-forward metaphors.
Examples of recent letters include:
Q: “My crush won’t text back. Should I double-text?”
A: “No. You double-down on your self-worth, not your desperation. Block them emotionally and moisturize.”
Q: “Is it weird that I still sleep with my childhood stuffed animal?”
A: “Absolutely not. I sleep with a sequined pillow named Regret. He’s soft and reminds me I’m evolving.”
Q: “How do I tell my friend they’re in a toxic relationship?”
A: “Invite them to the mirror. Have them say, ‘I am the main character.’ Then play Beyoncé. If they still can’t see the problem, we cry, hydrate, and circle back.”
Student Reaction: “It’s Like Therapy, but Glittery and Brutally Honest”
The column has exploded in popularity. Circulation has doubled, and even students who thought the newspaper was “for nerds and future podcasters” are now quoting Sassquatch during study hall.
Trevor, still emotionally fainting on a weekly basis, says:
“I asked if it’s okay to not know what I want in life. Velvet—I mean, Sassquatch—told me, ‘You’re not lost. You’re just fabulously uncommitted.’ I cried in a good way.”
Sophomore editor-in-chief Dana Rubens confessed:
“I used to beg people to read the paper. Now we’re getting submissions in glitter ink and scented envelopes. It’s like Gossip Girl met Brené Brown at a drag brunch.”
Staff Concerns: Is It Too Sass? Too Squatch?
Some teachers have voiced unease over the column’s “emotional intensity” and “occasional use of the phrase ‘dump him and ascend.’”
Principal Butts requested a content review board, only to find the board had already been created—and Velvet Thunder was president, secretary, and vibes consultant.
“She gave the school newspaper a soul and the faculty group chat a reason to live,” he admitted. “We’ve decided to just let her cook.”
In response to the concern, Velvet added a new tagline to the column:
“Warning: Advice may include self-love, hard truths, and tactical sparkle.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“If I had had Sassquatch in high school, I might have avoided dating that girl who thought Fight Club was a love story.”
— Ron White
“Every school should have a columnist like this. Someone who tells kids, ‘No, Chad is not your destiny—he’s a lesson in boundaries.’”
— Ali Wong
“In my day, we just suffered in silence or scribbled poetry about it. This? This is progress with flair.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
Behind the Curtain: Sassquatch’s Creative Process
Velvet—err, Sassquatch—claims she writes the column every Thursday night while soaking in a tub filled with pink Himalayan salt, regret, and a playlist titled “Men Are Lessons, Not Plans.”
She receives letters via the newspaper inbox, Instagram DMs, and notes slid under her classroom door folded into origami hearts.
“They ask me everything from ‘How do I find my path?’ to ‘Is it okay to ghost a study group?’ I answer with the love of an aunt and the wrath of a fashion-forward oracle.”
Helpful Content: Start Your Own “Dear Sassquatch”
Velvet has published a free PDF guide titled “So You Want to Sass: Launching Your Own Advice Column with Heart, Humor, and Heels” which includes:
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Sample prompts like “My best friend joined a cult but says it’s just DECA.”
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Word banks of affirmations, roast-lite comebacks, and Velvet’s top 10 metaphors for personal growth
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A printable certificate for students who “graduate from people-pleasing”
Sources:
Velvet Thunder Launches “Emotional PE” Program—Tears Now Count as Cardio
Velvet Thunder Declares the Teacher’s Lounge a Safe Space for Sass and Snacks
Velvet Thunder Starts School Newspaper Column: “Dear Sassquatch”
New AP Course: Advanced Pole Lit, Hosted by Velvet Thunder
Velvet Thunder’s Guidance Counseling Now Accepting Walk-Ins and Winks
Disclaimer: This story was forged by two human beings—one who once wrote to an advice column under the name “LostButCute99” and another who gives life tips while holding a cat. No AI ghostwrote this glitter bomb. Auf Wiedersehen!
