by Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — A serving of cafeteria brisket at Memorial High School achieved consciousness Tuesday at approximately 11:26 a.m., immediately filed a formal complaint with the district HR office, and demanded, in writing, to be reinstated as a cow.
It looked at the burnt ends in solidarity, said cafeteria worker Lurleen Doyle, who first noticed the brisket flexing slightly in its tray. Then the burnt ends looked back. Then they all started looking at me. I have not been to church in four years. I went last night.
The Awakening
The sentient brisket, designated BRSKT-04 in the district inventory and later self-identified as Wendell, has reportedly been fully smoked since 6 a.m. Monday but did not begin showing signs of awareness until exposed to the cafeteria sound system, which was playing George Strait. Workers say it was Amarillo By Morning that did it. Wendell is reportedly trying to get there.
Reached for comment through his court-appointed jalapeno, Wendell said only that he had been a cow named Wendell, that he remembered the pasture, and that he wished to go back. He did not specify which pasture. Authorities are working with the Texas Department of Agriculture to identify all viable pastures and are quietly hoping he picks one near a Buc Ees.
According to Bohiney, this is the third Texas school district this year in which a smoked meat has filed paperwork. In Lubbock, a sausage link reportedly sued for back wages. In Tyler, a rib tip became student council president without anyone noticing.
The Other Items
Cafeteria staff report that, since Wendell awakened, several other lunch items have begun behaving strangely. The mashed potatoes refuse to be plated unless asked nicely. The corn is unionizing. The Texas Toast has been seen at three off-campus locations and has not yet returned. The chicken-fried steak is, of course, fine. The chicken-fried steak is always fine. The chicken-fried steak has been here since 1987 and will outlive us all.
Principal Marlene Whitaker addressed the situation in an all-call to parents. We respect Wendell journey, she said, with the haunted air of a woman who has seen a brisket cry. We are working with district counsel and one rabbi to determine the best path forward. We do not yet know what that path looks like. We know it does not include him being eaten on a kaiser roll.
The London satirical outlet London Prat notes that British schools have dealt with sentient meats since 1996, when a steak and kidney pie at Eton briefly ran for Parliament. The pie lost, but only by 14 votes.
Student Reaction
Students were largely supportive of Wendell. A senior named Jasmine started a GoFundMe to relocate him to a sanctuary. A junior named Heath drew up a Wendell tattoo design. The drama club is already working on a one-act called Brisket, A Memoir, which they intend to enter in UIL competition. The script is mostly Wendell sitting silently while a chorus weeps.
According to a survey by the Bohiney Center for Cuts of Conscience, 71 percent of Memorial students felt Wendell deserved a better outcome than he was originally going to receive. The remaining 29 percent did not respond, because they were eating the burnt ends, which were also, apparently, alive.
The district has paused brisket service indefinitely, replacing it with a vegetable medley described in the menu only as Mostly Carrots. Cafeteria staff confirm that the carrots have not yet shown signs of consciousness, but, quote, you do not want to make eye contact with the celery, end quote.
Wendell, as of press time, was last seen boarding an outbound bus on Kell East. He had a small bag. He had a copy of his own birth certificate, somehow. He waved with a piece of fat that may or may not have been a hand. He was bound, sources say, for the country.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
More food gaining rights at The Onion.
