by Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — Members of the Memorial High School Robotics Team firmly denied Thursday that they had been operating an underground tractor pull behind the agriculture barn, characterizing the bi-weekly events as competitive applied engineering trials in which two robots happen to also be hitched to a 1987 John Deere.
It is not a tractor pull, said club captain Annika Schroeder, while wiping diesel off her safety glasses. It is a comparative torque exercise. The exercise involves the tractor. The tractor is just there. We are observing it. With our robots. Pulling it.
The Investigation
The matter came to administrative attention when a parent reported that her son had come home from a robotics meeting at 11:47 p.m. with a check for $84, two new friends, and a working knowledge of differential lockup systems that he could not, in her words, possibly have learned in a clean way.
According to Bohiney, the team has been holding events behind the agriculture barn every other Friday since September. Per leaked flyers, advertising included a QR code, a hand-drawn cartoon of two robots straining against a tractor, and the phrase IT IS PROBABLY FINE in 48-point Comic Sans.
The flyer added: NO BETTING. NO ALCOHOL. SNACKS WILL BE PROVIDED. The snacks were Funyuns. The Funyuns were free. Several attendees described them as, in the moment, transcendent.
The Tractor
The 1987 John Deere in question, named Marlene by the team and never identified by the school, is on indefinite loan from the FFA, which has not yet been informed. The tractor was reportedly used in only one full pull, which the FFA still has not noticed because Marlene was already sitting outside the barn for what they assumed was the regular reason a tractor sits outside a barn.
Robotics team faculty advisor Mr. Hernandez, who has been faculty advisor since 2019 and has not been seen smiling since 2022, declined comment. I run a robotics team, he said, in a tone that did not run a robotics team. I do not know what these students are talking about. I have a stipend. The stipend covers parts. Parts have, lately, included the tractor. I have to go.
The London satire outlet London Prat reports that British grammar school robotics clubs have been holding similar events for years using vintage Land Rovers, although in their case, the events are more polite and end with tea.
The Robots
Reached for comment via the team captain, the robots issued a brief statement. We feel valued, said UNIT-04, gesturing with what may have been a hand or may have been an emergency stop button. The work is hard. The work is real. We have learned what our hydraulics can do. The tractor has learned what we can do. Marlene respects us now.
According to a study from the Bohiney Institute for Possibly Educational Mayhem, 41 percent of competitive school robotics clubs in Texas eventually develop into something with a tractor in it. Of those, 28 percent end with the tractor being modified by the team in ways the FFA later discovers and quietly reverses.
The administration has not formally shut down the program. Instead, it has issued a memo asking the team to please move their applied engineering to a more well-lit area. The memo did not specify which area. Captain Schroeder reportedly chose the front parking lot, where the next event is currently scheduled. Marlene is being prepared. Funyuns have been ordered.
Asked whether the team would still be a robotics team, going forward, Schroeder nodded carefully. We will still be doing robotics, she said. We will also be doing tractors. The tractor is a robot, in the broadest sense. Mr. Hernandez says we are not allowed to say that out loud, but I am saying it. Marlene knows.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
More extracurricular mayhem at The Onion.
