The School’s Water Fountains Converted to Kombucha Dispensers

Memorial High’s “Wellness Initiative” has replaced all water fountains with artisanal kombucha taps, creating both a health craze and minor cholera scare. The science department confirmed the fountains now contain living SCOBY cultures that occasionally attempt to communicate through fermented Morse code. Students report varying effects depending on tap location – the library dispenser improves SAT scores temporarily, while the gym fountain causes uncontrollable yoga impulses. The principal insists the change has nothing to do with that time he invested in a probiotic startup during his midlife crisis.

Three distinct flavor profiles have emerged: “Principal’s Passion” (a suspiciously bourbon-like aftertaste), “Detention Delight” (with extra vinegar), and “College Prep Cranberry” (which glows under black lights). The biology class uses the cultures to demonstrate rapid evolution, having already documented the SCOBYs developing resistance to chlorine and teenage indifference. Cafeteria staff quietly admit the system was accidentally created when someone dumped expired yogurt into the plumbing during Home Ec.

Controversy erupted when the yearbook staff discovered the fountains’ live cultures were photographing students through biofilm lenses. The resulting “Kombucha Yearbook” featured disturbingly accurate psychological profiles under each portrait. Meanwhile, the football team has been banned from using the sports tap after tests revealed 120% muscle growth but 400% increase in pretentiousness. As lawsuits mount, the school nurse has started prescribing kombucha enemas, which at least keeps the hallways quiet for 15 minutes.