by The Cafeteria Pizza Could Qualify As A Science Lab Specimen
In what chemistry teachers are calling “a teachable moment,” the school’s cafeteria pizza has been officially recognized as the only known food item that defies the laws of thermodynamics. “We left a slice under a heat lamp for three months,” reports Dr. Alvarez, head of the science department. “Not only did it not decompose, but it grew a faint crystalline structure that resembles graphene.”
Advanced Placement Chemistry students have begun using the pizza as lab equipment. “It’s more durable than our Petri dishes,” notes senior Rebecca Cho, while measuring its pH level (a shocking 12.4, comparable to bleach). The pizza’s crust has also been observed to repel water, leading physicists to theorize about its potential as a building material for Mars colonies.
Meanwhile, the culinary arts teacher resigned after being asked to replicate the recipe. “I won’t be party to this crime against gastronomy,” she wrote in her resignation letter, which she nailed to the principal’s door using a fossilized cheese wedge as a hammer. The school board, however, sees opportunity: “If we can patent this, we might finally afford new textbooks,” said Superintendent Harris, while cautiously poking a slice with a Geiger counter.
