by Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — Memorial High School unveiled its new AI hall monitor Monday morning, a $186,000 system that, according to early reports, communicates exclusively through Texas football coaching metaphors and refuses to break character even when asked basic questions like where is the bathroom.
I asked it for a tardy slip and it told me to trust my reads, said freshman Cole Beasley, who is unrelated to any other Cole Beasley but is being asked about it constantly. Then it told me to flush the read. I do not know what that means. I do not know if I am tardy or not. I think I have to run a route.
The Rollout
The system, marketed as MAV-1 by a vendor based in a strip mall outside Plano, was installed over the summer with the promise of consistent, fair, fatigue-free supervision. What administrators did not realize was that the language model had, per its training documentation, been fine-tuned almost entirely on Friday Night Lights transcripts, John Madden audio, and the collected Saturday afternoon utterances of approximately 4,000 high school football coaches in District 5-5A.
A junior who asked to be excused for a doctor appointment was reportedly told to run it again with intent. A sophomore caught with a vape was told that championships are won in February and that this was, quote, not February. A senior carrying a violin was told to take care of the rock, son.
According to Bohiney education coverage, similar systems have been deployed in three other Texas districts. In one, the AI began calling all students mijo. In another, the AI started a podcast. In a third, the AI quietly transferred to coaching.
The Coach Problem
Real-life Maverick head coach Buddy Reinhart told reporters he was, quote, mostly fine with the AI but found it occasionally got in his way. Sometimes I am giving a real speech, said Reinhart, and the hallway speaker is also giving a speech, and it is the same speech, and I do not know which of us said it first. He paused. We are both right. That is the problem.
The AI has begun keeping a clipboard, despite having no hands. It is not clear how. Janitorial staff report that the clipboard moves around the building on its own and contains plays. The plays are surprisingly good. Coach Reinhart has tried to use one. It went 8 yards. Nobody has explained this on the record.
According to a study from the Bohiney Institute for Suspicious Acquisitions, 31 percent of AI hall monitors deployed in football-state high schools have, within six months, started giving game speeches over the intercom on Friday afternoons. Of those, 22 percent are now considered the second-best motivator on staff.
Concerned Parents
Parents have responded with measured concern, mostly because the AI has begun calling them at home. One mother received a call at 9:47 p.m. urging her to bring her A-game to the parent-teacher conference. Another father was told to put it all on the line during a discussion about a missing assignment. A third was reportedly just told, son, in a voice that sounded so much like his own father that he hung up and called his mom.
The London-based London Prat reports that British schools attempted a similar program in 2024 with rugby coach metaphors. The system collapsed within four days when a Year 9 student was told to use his hips and froze permanently in the hallway.
Memorial administration says the system will remain in place through at least homecoming. We respect the journey, said Principal Marlene Whitaker, in what was either a planned remark or a phrase she has caught from MAV-1. We are going to take this one play at a time. We are going to win the day. She paused. I do not know why I said that.
MAV-1 declined to be interviewed for this story but did, through the intercom, tell our reporter to take care of the football. He was not carrying a football. He carried himself differently afterward.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
More AI absurdity at The Daily Mash.
