by Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — In a press conference held in front of the agriculture barn for reasons nobody fully understood, Memorial High School Principal Marlene Whitaker confirmed Wednesday that hall passes will, going forward, be issued based on student steer wrestling times, with a goal of bringing what she called rural rigor to school discipline.
If you can wrestle a steer in under 8.4 seconds, you can use the bathroom whenever you like, Whitaker said. If you cannot, you may want to plan ahead. We have brought in a stopwatch. We have brought in a steer. The steer is named Glenn. Glenn is a star.
The Rationale
According to a memo obtained by Bohiney, the new policy was developed in response to what district officials called a passes crisis, in which students were leaving class too often, for too long, for reasons too vague. The previous system, paper passes signed by the teacher, was deemed insufficiently Texas.
Under the revised system, students who post a wrestling time of under 8.4 seconds are issued a Gold Pass, which permits unlimited bathroom access and one annual visit to the snack machine. Students between 8.4 and 12.0 seconds receive Silver. Students above 12.0 are encouraged to use the restroom before school and to consider the JV team.
The system has, predictably, raised concerns. The chess club, which is approximately 14 students who have never touched a steer, has unanimously failed the qualifying round. They have appealed. The appeal is being heard by Glenn. Glenn is non-committal.
Glenn The Steer
Glenn, the school steer, has reportedly become a major figure on campus despite arriving in August as a quiet, unremarkable bovine on loan from the FFA. Students follow him on Instagram. Teachers list him as an emergency contact. The yearbook committee has unanimously voted him Most Likely To Run For Office, a category that did not exist before Glenn arrived.
A study by the Bohiney Foundation for Rural Pedagogy found that 64 percent of Texas school discipline policies, when sufficiently scrutinized, ultimately involve a steer somewhere in the chain of command. Of those, 40 percent involve a steer with a name, and 12 percent involve a steer with social media presence.
The London satire outlet London Prat reports that British schools attempted a similar policy in 2008 using a sheep, but discontinued it because the sheep, quote, was too gentle to motivate anyone. There is no such concern with Glenn.
Compliance
Some students have begun training. Junior Brett Hawthorne, who is also the kicker on the football team, has reportedly knocked his time down from 11.3 to 9.7 in two weeks, though he is, in his words, mostly there for the cardio. Sophomore Aubrey Mendez has refused to participate on principle, and has been observed simply walking out of the building when she needs the bathroom. Nobody has stopped her. Nobody is willing to ask Glenn to chase.
Faculty have been split. The agriculture teacher, predictably, is thrilled. The English teacher has filed three grievances. The band director has remained quiet but has begun showing up to school in boots, which sources say is, in his case, a major statement.
Whitaker insists the policy is not punitive. We are giving every student an opportunity to demonstrate physical accountability, she said. If the bathroom matters that much to you, you will be willing to demonstrate. The bathroom should mean something. Bathrooms have, frankly, become too easy in this country.
Asked whether the school had any plans for what happens if a student fails to wrestle Glenn and has, in fact, an urgent medical situation, Whitaker paused. We are working through that, she said. We do not want to discourage emergencies. We just want to make sure they are emergencies. Glenn understands. Glenn has been briefed.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
More rural absurdity at The Poke.
