by Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — In a sweeping curricular update administrators are calling culturally responsive and educators are calling oh dear God, Memorial High School announced Tuesday that all senior essays may now be submitted in the form of a properly executed Texas two-step, with GPA calculated based on, per the new rubric, how you carry yourself.
We met the seniors where they are, said Director of Curriculum Innovation Dr. Cassandra Beasley. They are at Stagecoach Ballroom on Saturdays. They are not at their desks. So the essays will come to them. They will dance the essays. The essays will be danced. He paused. She is, sources later confirmed, a he. Dr. Beasley prefers Doc.
The Rubric
Per Bohiney, the new rubric is one and a half pages long and includes the following grading categories: Lead, Follow, Footwork, Frame, Vibes, How You Carry Yourself, How You Comport Yourself On The Floor, and a final, deeply Texan category labeled simply Bless.
An A is awarded to seniors whose two-step is, per the rubric, strong and humble. A B is awarded to those whose two-step is, quote, fine. A C is awarded to those who two-step on the wrong foot, on the wrong beat, or while on a phone. Anything below a C requires a sit-down with the school dance master, a position that did not exist last August.
The school dance master is a man named Earl. Earl is, sources say, in his early seventies. Earl wears boots indoors. Earl has tenure now. Nobody can explain how. Earl is paid in, allegedly, briskets. Earl is, by all accounts, the most respected adult in the building.
AP Calculus
The greatest hardship has been borne by the AP Calculus department. Mr. Vandenburg, who has taught calculus at Memorial since 1999, has reportedly been required to grade derivatives by watching seniors dance. He has begun granting partial credit based on how confidently they spin their partner.
I gave a kid a 4 on the AP exam style rubric because his shuffle was, in his own way, integral, said Vandenburg. Was that correct? I do not know. Did the kid understand the chain rule? I do not know. Did he carry himself? Yes. He did. He really did.
The history department, by contrast, has flourished. Reenactments are now considered essays. The Civil War unit has been reduced to a series of two-steps, with the Confederate side and the Union side leading and following alternately, in a kind of metaphor that nobody has the energy to question. The London-based London Prat reports that British schools attempted a similar policy in 2017 using ballroom dance, and that it produced an entire generation of unusually polite GCSE candidates who were also better at posture.
The GPA
Most controversially, Memorial has shifted to a vibe-based GPA. Under the new system, transcripts read as a series of one-word descriptors. Students may now graduate with a GPA listed as Solid, Locked In, Carrying Himself, Carrying Herself, In It, Mostly In It, or, in the worst case, Trying.
State universities have responded with confusion. We received an application that listed the student GPA as Carrying Himself, said an admissions officer at a major Texas state school. We did not know what to make of it. We let him in. He will, presumably, be fine. He will, presumably, carry himself there too.
According to the Bohiney Foundation for Educational Drift, 47 percent of seniors saw their GPAs improve under the new system. The other 53 percent saw their GPAs replaced with a single emoji of a boot. Earl approves of the boot. Earl says the boot is fine. Earl is, on reflection, the only person whose opinion on this anyone really wants.
Salutatorian honors, this year, will reportedly be decided by a dance-off in the gym during second lunch. Tickets are on sale. Earl is judging. Earl is the only judge. Earl will not be appealed.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
More vibe-based reporting at The Poke.
