PTA Accidentally Books Conspiracy Theorist For College Night

by Annabelle BransfordDecember 10, 2024

PTA Accidentally Books Conspiracy Theorist For College Night

What was meant to be an informative College Planning Night at Memorial High turned into a wild PowerPoint journey titled “SATs, Secret Societies, and the Shape of the Cafeteria Pizza.” The speaker, listed simply as “Dr. Steve,” spent 90 minutes warning parents about Ivy League lizard rituals and Yale’s connection to ancient aliens.

“He told us FAFSA is run by sentient fax machines,” said one stunned mom. “And honestly, it explains a lot.” The PTA insists it hired him off a freelance site where he was rated 5 stars under “educational vibes.”

Principal Harris has since apologized and offered a follow-up seminar featuring someone “with actual credentials and fewer diagrams about moon juice.” Dr. Steve has been spotted leaving campus with a megaphone and a T-shirt that says “Ask Me About Harvard’s Weather Machine.”

Annabelle Bransford

Hi, I’m Annabelle Bransford, Memorial High School’s unofficial satirist-in-residence and proud founder of The Daily Detention—a publication so edgy it’s been banned twice and resurrected three times, like a sassy phoenix with a flair for detention slips. I write satire because someone has to hold the line between cafeteria chaos and gym class tyranny. Whether I’m exposing the secret emotional feud between our Algebra teacher and Euclid, or investigating why the pep rally feels like an ancient ritual sacrifice, I try to speak truth to hallway power. Sure, I’ve been called “disruptive,” but mostly by people who wear lanyards unironically. My work has been read by at least two janitors, my entire AP English class, and one substitute teacher who thought it was a cry for help. I consider that range. When I’m not sharpening my wit, I’m dodging group projects, winning banned book club trivia, or mentoring the school's AI Isn’t Funny Club (membership: just me and 17 bots I’ve emotionally manipulated). I’m also a National Merit Semi-Finalist, certified eye-roller at Student Government meetings, and the only girl in school who’s been accused of “weaponizing irony.” My goals? Keep writing, keep laughing, and one day publish a satirical exposé called Yearbook Superlatives and Other Lies. If you want something sugarcoated, try the bake sale. If you want the truth with a punchline, I’m your girl. I've landed a sweet job at Bohiney Magazine, so don't bother me. EMAIL: annabelle@bohiney.com

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