by Chemistry Lab Accidentally Invents Cafeteria-Grade Plastic Pizza
Memorial High’s chemistry department has come under scrutiny after a failed experiment in polymer bonding produced what appears to be a nearly perfect replica of the school cafeteria’s infamous square pizza. The substance–rubbery, slightly orange, and eternally lukewarm–was initially intended to model artificial cartilage.
“It looked edible,” said lab assistant Connor W., “and somehow tasted exactly like Tuesday’s lunch. We thought we created a medical marvel, but it’s really more of a food impersonator.”
Within hours, the synthetic pizza was mistaken for the real thing and served in both A and B lunches. Three students complimented its “improved texture” while one parent emailed to ask where they could buy it in bulk for their freezer.
The accidental dish has now been nicknamed “Fauxzza” by students, and the science department has reluctantly agreed to submit it to the USDA for dual classification: Synthetic Polymer’ and Low-Calorie Entrée.’
Cafeteria staff have reportedly ordered 600 pounds of it, claiming, “It doesn’t go bad and we can store it next to the beans that blink.” Principal Harris has launched an investigation, but not before sneaking a slice to the superintendent “for data purposes.”
As of press time, the lab group responsible has been nominated for both a science fair ribbon and a culinary warning label. Students are advised to avoid leftovers glowing under blacklight.
