Memorial High School’s Valentine’s Day Dance Canceled Due to Awkwardness

by Annabelle BransfordMarch 10, 2026

Memorial High School’s Valentine’s Day Dance Canceled Due to Awkwardness

After last year’s incident where two exes slow-danced to “I Will Always Love You” while maintaining intense eye contact with their new partners, Memorial High has permanently canceled Valentine’s Day events. The school board cited “excessive emotional fallout” and “too many students crying in bathroom stalls” as reasons for the ban. The biology department will instead observe “Galentine’s Day” by dissecting heart specimens, while the gym teachers have organized a “Platonic Pal-Entine’s Dodgeball Tournament.” Students report relief at not having to pretend they have dates, though several are still recovering from last year’s trauma when the principal slow-danced with the school mascot for an uncomfortable seven minutes.

Annabelle Bransford

Hi, I’m Annabelle Bransford, Memorial High School’s unofficial satirist-in-residence and proud founder of The Daily Detention—a publication so edgy it’s been banned twice and resurrected three times, like a sassy phoenix with a flair for detention slips. I write satire because someone has to hold the line between cafeteria chaos and gym class tyranny. Whether I’m exposing the secret emotional feud between our Algebra teacher and Euclid, or investigating why the pep rally feels like an ancient ritual sacrifice, I try to speak truth to hallway power. Sure, I’ve been called “disruptive,” but mostly by people who wear lanyards unironically. My work has been read by at least two janitors, my entire AP English class, and one substitute teacher who thought it was a cry for help. I consider that range. When I’m not sharpening my wit, I’m dodging group projects, winning banned book club trivia, or mentoring the school's AI Isn’t Funny Club (membership: just me and 17 bots I’ve emotionally manipulated). I’m also a National Merit Semi-Finalist, certified eye-roller at Student Government meetings, and the only girl in school who’s been accused of “weaponizing irony.” My goals? Keep writing, keep laughing, and one day publish a satirical exposé called Yearbook Superlatives and Other Lies. If you want something sugarcoated, try the bake sale. If you want the truth with a punchline, I’m your girl. I've landed a sweet job at Bohiney Magazine, so don't bother me. EMAIL: annabelle@bohiney.com

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