by Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — The Memorial High School Board of Education voted unanimously Monday to formalize the role of the school therapy goat, Brenda, by appointing her Vice Principal, citing improved morale, lower discipline rates, and the fact that, frankly, Brenda was already doing the job and had been for some time.
We are simply formalizing what is already happening, said Board Chair Linda Fairweather, watching as Brenda stood next to a small podium in the conference room and chewed thoughtfully on a copy of the agenda. Brenda has been making decisions since spring break. She makes them with kindness. She makes them with thoroughness. She makes them with her teeth.
The New Org Chart
Per documents obtained by Bohiney, the new administrative structure is as follows: Marlene Whitaker remains Principal. Brenda is now Vice Principal. The campus dog, a sweet Australian Shepherd named Houston, is Director of Discipline. A duck named Lieutenant has been moved into the role of Athletic Director. The previous Athletic Director, a man, has been moved to a new role described in the memo as Lieutenant Liaison.
Brenda became eligible for the Vice Principal role after a months-long evaluation process in which she demonstrated several key qualifications. She showed up every day. She read every document put in front of her, in a manner of speaking. She remained calm during fire drills. She, on three documented occasions, prevented a fistfight by simply standing between the two parties and looking at each of them slowly and at length.
The previous Vice Principal, who has been reassigned, said only that he respected Brenda and looked forward to learning from her in his new role, which is, per the org chart, helping Brenda eat her email.
Email Excellence
Faculty unanimously confirm that Brenda has dramatically improved the school email culture. She does not technically reply to messages, but she does technically read them, by chewing them, which is more attention than they ever received from her predecessor. Teachers say it is genuinely satisfying to know their long, careful messages are being engaged with at all, even if engagement, in this case, means consumption.
I sent Brenda a 1,200-word email about the textbook ordering process, said Spanish teacher Mrs. Ortega. She read it. She really read it. She read it for ninety seconds, then she made eye contact with me. I cried. The previous Vice Principal had not opened an email since 2021.
According to the Bohiney Center for Pedagogical Surrender, schools that have appointed therapy animals to administrative positions report a 38 percent improvement in faculty satisfaction, a 29 percent improvement in test scores, and a near-universal improvement in the building atmosphere. The only metric that has decreased is paper consumption, which has plummeted, because Brenda has, by herself, eaten 14 percent of the school office paper supply.
Discipline Under Brenda
Disciplinary referrals have dropped 61 percent since Brenda assumed her role, partly because students no longer want to disappoint her and partly because the new detention room consists entirely of sitting in the agriculture barn while Brenda silently judges you from across an enclosure. Students consistently emerge changed. One reformed troublemaker described the experience as worse than ISS because Brenda just gets it.
The London-based London Prat reports that British schools have quietly been led by therapy animals since the 1990s, although in their case the animal is usually a donkey named Geoffrey. Geoffrey, like Brenda, never speaks but remains effective.
Houston, the new Director of Discipline, has so far enforced the school dress code by gently nipping at the heels of students wearing inappropriate footwear, which has been clarified, after consultation with Brenda, to mean Crocs in sport mode. Lieutenant the duck, the new Athletic Director, has not yet held a press conference but is reportedly going to. There will be water nearby. There will be questions. The questions will not be answered, but they will be heard, and quacked at thoughtfully.
Asked whether the goat would receive a formal salary, the district said it was working on it. Brenda, for her part, has not asked. Brenda has, sources note, simply taken what she needed, including three notebooks, half a Costco bag of trail mix, and the binding off a copy of the new student handbook. She has read the handbook, in her way, and seems to feel it is too long. The handbook is being shortened.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
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