by Memorial High School’s Cafeteria Utensils Go On Strike
The forks, spoons, and sporks of Memorial High have unionized and are refusing to work until their demands for better treatment are met. “We’re tired of being bent, broken, and thrown away without a second thought,” read a statement spelled out in ketchup packets by the disgruntled cutlery. The strike began after a particularly traumatic incident where 37 sporks were sacrificed in an attempt to open a stubborn pudding cup during last week’s lunch service.
The utensils have developed sophisticated protest tactics – forks interlocking to form picket lines, spoons deliberately positioning themselves bowl-down to be useless, and sporks confusing everyone by not committing to either spoon or fork functionality. The culinary arts teacher attempted to negotiate but was immediately stabbed in the hand by an angry salad fork. “They’ve got a point,” admitted principal Hendricks while eating his chicken nuggets with two coffee stirrers taped together.
Students have adapted by fashioning makeshift utensils from notebook spirals and old ID cards, though the physics club has started charging outrageous prices for their “ergonomic twig solutions.” The standoff continues, with the cafeteria staff reporting ominous clanging noises coming from the utensil drawers at night. Rumor has it the plastic knives are considering crossing the picket line, but they’re too flimsy to be taken seriously.
