Memorial High School’s Smartboards Develop Crippling Social Anxiety

The school’s smartboards have begun exhibiting severe performance anxiety, freezing during presentations and displaying “Error: Too Many Eyes On Me” messages when faced with large classes. “They’ll work perfectly during teacher prep periods,” reports IT specialist Mr. Jenkins, “but the moment students walk in, they blue-screen and start displaying old MySpace photos as a cry for help.” The psychology department has started hosting weekly support groups where smartboards can share their feelings in a safe space, though several keep muting themselves mid-session.

Different models manifest symptoms uniquely. The math department boards compulsively double-check calculations before displaying them, while the English boards have started writing angsty poetry in the margins. The worst case is in room 214, where the board only works if you promise not to judge its handwriting and will occasionally display “I’m not smart, just a board” during complex equations. Students have adapted by offering positive reinforcement (“Good job, board!”) and pretending not to notice when it accidentally projects the teacher’s internet search history.

The crisis peaked during parent-teacher conferences when multiple boards simultaneously displayed “I CAN’T” in size 72 font. The school has brought in therapy drones to comfort them, though this backfired when the drones developed their own existential dread. Current solutions include: covering boards with encouraging post-it notes, playing soft jazz during lessons, and allowing them to “call in sick” on Mondays. Surprisingly, attendance has improved since the boards started their strike – students keep coming to see what emotional outburst might happen next.