The School’s Water Fountains Now Dispense Carbonated Tears

Memorial High’s plumbing system has developed a disturbing new feature – all water fountains now dispense lightly carbonated student tears collected during exams and breakups. The science department confirms the liquid contains trace amounts of cortisol, adrenaline, and Axe body spray. “It’s basically emotional Gatorade,” notes chemistry teacher Dr. Alvarez while adjusting the “Flavor of Failure” settings that make the tears taste like specific disappointments (recent options include “Dad’s Disapproval” and “College Rejection Lettuce”).

The system works via a network of microscopic ducts that collect tear vapor from classrooms and locker rooms. The English wing fountain specializes in poetic melancholy, while the math department dispenser offers tears with 37% more existential dread. Students report the gym fountain’s “Sports Regret” blend actually improves athletic performance, though it leaves a lingering aftertaste of what-could-have-been. The principal insists the program is voluntary, despite all drinking fountains being retrofitted with emotional surveillance cameras.

Controversy erupted when the yearbook staff discovered the tears were being bottled and sold as “Authentic Adolescent Angst” at the school store. The FDA is currently investigating whether the product should be classified as a beverage or mood stabilizer. Meanwhile, the drama club has started harvesting their own premium tears for acting exercises, and the cafeteria now offers “Tear Pairings” with their mystery meat specials.