by Memorial High School’s Bell System Plays Only Nickelback Songs
Students and faculty at Memorial High School have begun developing Pavlovian flinches as the school’s new bell system exclusively plays Nickelback tracks between classes. “At first we thought it was a glitch,” said Principal Hendricks while massaging his left eye, which has developed a persistent twitch during “How You Remind Me” week. “But then we found the maintenance guy’s playlist and realized this was premeditated.”
The psychology department has been studying student reactions, noting that 92% of the school population now instinctively sprints when hearing the opening chords of “Photograph.” The music department has filed a formal complaint, arguing the constant repetition violates the Geneva Convention’s definition of psychological warfare. Meanwhile, the chess club has begun using the songs as torture devices during tournaments, reporting a 40% increase in opponent resignations.
Most disturbingly, several seniors have reported developing unironic enjoyment of the songs. “I caught myself humming ‘Rockstar’ in the shower,” confessed student council president Jason Miller, now undergoing emergency musical detox. The school board claims they’re “working on it,” but maintenance staff confirm the CD has been physically superglued into the player.
