by Why Does the Cafeteria Pizza Glow in the Dark?
In a shocking discovery that has baffled scientists and hungry students alike, the cafeteria’s infamous “pepperoni” pizza has been observed emitting a faint green glow under UV light. Principal Smith insists it’s “just the cheese,” but our investigative team has uncovered disturbing truths…
“I brought a slice home and my dog started reciting Shakespeare,” claimed sophomore Tim Jenkins, who may or may not have been hallucinating from hunger. The pizza’s ingredient list–written in what appears to be ancient hieroglyphs–includes “100% real imitation cheese product” and “love,” though lab tests detected neither.
Food science teacher Mr. Henderson reluctantly admitted, “I’ve seen this before… in nuclear waste facilities.” Meanwhile, lunch lady Doris shrugged: “Kids these days complain about everything. Back in my day, we ate asbestos and liked it.”
The pizza’s glow intensifies during full moons, and at least three students report developing night-vision after consuming it. The school board has promised an investigation, but insiders say they’re just waiting for the pizza to mutate enough to solve the teacher shortage.
