by Marching Band Stages Coup, Declares Band Room An Independent Funk Republic
Memorial High’s marching band has taken control of the music wing in a bloodless yet extremely loud coup, establishing a sovereign micro-nation known as the United Funk Republic of Percussia. The uprising began when the school threatened to replace the band’s practice period with “productive study time.”
“They left us no choice,” said drum major Kelsey D., who now wears a sash that reads “Secretary of Bass.” “We have rhythm. We have snacks. We have zero intention of returning to algebra.”
The band now operates under its own anthem–a six-minute jazz-funk jam titled “Rebel Sousaphone”–and has implemented a dress code of sequins, kilts, and aviator sunglasses. The trombone section controls border security, which consists mostly of making people say “syncopation” correctly.
Teachers attempting to reclaim the space were met with a coordinated drumline maneuver known as “The Wall of Sound.” One AP Chemistry teacher retreated after being trapped between a tuba solo and a fog machine. “I respect sovereignty,” she mumbled, covered in glitter.
Negotiations with school administration have stalled. The Funk Republic demands recognition, weekly pizza delivery, and a permanent float in the Homecoming parade. Principal Harris, wearing noise-canceling headphones, stated, “We’re trying diplomacy, but they keep talking in slap bass.”
The band has begun issuing passports made of old sheet music. Visitors are encouraged to bring earplugs and a funky attitude.
